10 Scurviest Video Game Pirates
Avast, ye scurvy dog! Pirates have long been a mainstay in internet culture. There’s Talk Like a Pirate day (September 19), where we celebrate that special dialect that only pirates have, the eternal debate of Ninjas vs. Pirates, and the many pop culture franchises which have appropriated these sea-faring scavengers as their own. With the pirate-themed Assassin’s Creed IV making ready to sail soon, it seemed only fitting that we climb the crow’s next and plumb the depths of the video game seas to find out who the Ten Scurviest Video Game Pirates are.
*It should be pointed out that I limited this list to video game pirates whose origins are in video games, which is why you don’t see Luffy B. Monkey or any other similarly famous pirates here, despite the fact that they’ve been in some video games.
As Diveman.EXE’s operator, Captain Blackbeard is more than willing to throw down when the time is right, and in the world of Mega Man Battle Network the time is always right. Outside of battle it’s clear that Blackbeard is kind of a dick. He runs an animal show, and has a tattoo of a dolphin on his arm, but he forces his beastly buddies to endure all sorts of dangerous, strenuous acts without any concern for their well-being.
9. Kaptain K. Rool
All right, here’s the thing. We all know that Kaptain K. Rool is just King K. Rool with some pirate crap thrown on. But he doesn’t know that we know, so just go along with it, okay? Rool’s pretty dedicated to this buccaneer getup in DKC2; so dedicated, in fact, that he makes most of his underlings dress in similarly-themed clothes. It’s not clear what made King K. Rool become so obsessed with pirates, but by God, when he goes for it, he goes hard, which is why he belongs on this list of the Ten Scurviest Video Game Pirates.
Zack dreams of being the greatest pirate in history! And he has a monkey. And he’s apparently pretty smart, because when he gets trapped on a tropical island and faced with the undead head of the pirate Barbaros, he keeps his wits about him and goes around solving the bajeezus out of some puzzles until he can find his way to freedom.
Pirates don’t just sail the seas, ye landlubber! They also sail the skies! In Skies of Arcadia, Vyse and his crew travel the world doing good everywhere they’re needed and helping keep the moon crystals from falling into the wrong hands. Vyse is a happy, helpful kind of guy who wants to serve as a role model to those around him. Someone really out to ask Vyse if he understands what a pirate is, because I’m not sure he does.
We’ve talked about pirates of the skies and seas, so now let’s discuss pirates of a third kind: the folks who pirate software. Sure, it’s tempting to scour around online to find a free copy of your favorite game, but it’s illegal, not to mention being a completely dick move to steal something from the people who made this game you’re now enjoying. The makers of Game Developer Tycoon, a video game about running a video game development company, found an interesting way to fight piracy, and I applaud them for their creativity. They released a “pirated” copy of the game for dispensation around the usual seedy online watering holes. This copy, however, came with a critical bug in it that made success impossible for the players. Why? Because people kept pirating their games, robbing their studios of money. So, the players willing to rob the Game Developer Tycoon team found their own games being ruined because of the action they’d committed. That’s some damn fine thematic irony.
This old-school, open-world title has the player both in control of a crew of pirates, and facing off against other, evil-er pirates. Everything’s coming up pirates! This might be the truest pirate simulator out there, allowing players to sail the seven seas, make alliances, clash swords, and, at the end of the day, count up that sweet, sweet loot.
Another sky pirate, Balthier’s the guy who should have been the main character of Final Fantasy XII, but for some god-forsaken reason Square Enix decided to force Vaan and Penelo on us. Balthier’s sly wit, effortless style, and subdued heroism make for a great protagonist, and his history as both a plunderer of loot and an Archadian Judge provide fascinating insight into his character. He constantly refers to himself as the “leading man” and, despite his cynicism, he has complete trust in Fran, who is the Chewbacca to his Han Solo.
When you first meet Tetra, she’s hanging from a tree from her shirt; hardly a position of power. But once she’s back on her feet and in command of her ship we find out that she’s one hardass chick. She seems to be maybe sixteen, at the oldest, and yet she’s got a fine pirate vessel, and a crew of… well, they’re not exactly the brightest bunch, but they’re pretty loyal. It’s not clear how she got where she is, but it might have something to do with the snarky-ass attitude she’s rocking. Later on, the story reveals that Tetra is, in fact, this timeline’s incarnation of the Princesss Zelda, and she immediately gets cursed and taken prisoner by Ganon. So, this once previously awesome female character gets reduced to being a damsel in distress… sigh… still, she gets her revenge when she and Link team up in the final battle against the Big G himself, which is way more proactive than Princess Peach has ever been.
It’s fun being a pirate, but ultimately it’s a life like any other: limited by mortality. In Sid Meier’s Pirates! the game only ends when your character is too old to fight, and retires to become anything from a hobo to the advisor to the king, based on the amount of wealth you’ve accumulated. Soul Calibur’s Cervantes, however, took exception to this mortal problem and got himself good and undead-ified thanks to Nightmare. Cervantes definitely puts the piracy back in being a pirate, as he’s a thieving, murderous dick who wants treasure and power above all else, which is part of why having him also be an unkillable revenant is kind of a problem.
LeChuck’s like the hipster undead pirate: he was doing it way before everyone else thought it was cool. This guy cares naught for petty things like morality, or human life; all he wants is power, and to put the moves on Elaine Marley. Like many badguys, he wears his power (and subsequently, his weakness) on his sleeve: voodoo magic. If you want to beat this guy, try using some of his own voodoo against him. Be forewarned, however, that you can’t keep this pirate down, which is why we keep seeing him in every single Monkey Island game.