gameofthrones

Here’s everything you need to know about “And Now His Watch is Ended,” the fourth episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones third season: it features shocking betrayals, stunning badassery, and more “oh snap!” moments than you can shake a stick at. This episode will either leave you feeling like you need a shower stat, or a pair of expensive shades and a theme song with which to slow-mo walk out of frame.

KING’S LANDING
 Tyrion is understandably still paranoid about his sister trying to have him assassinated during the Battle of the Blackwater, and is very keen to have a private conversation with Varys over how he can acquire proof that Cersei ordered the hit… along with enough influence to have his revenge. Varys is just as keen to tell Tyrion the story of how he lost his junk, as we all groan along with the youngest Lannister and wonder how it’s relevant. So Varys tells a very disgusting story about being enslaved to a sorcerer who fed his genitals to a blue flame and spoke to a disembodied voice, and how that experience drove him to become the eunuch of influence he is today. The pièce de résistance in that horror show is the crate Varys has been industriously prying open the whole while: inside is the mutilated, cowering sorcerer himself. The moral of this story is: revenge can happen if you believe!

Meanwhile, King’s Landing is one of the deepest dens of iniquity and intrigue you’re likely to find on Westeros, and the hottest piece of gossip is Podrick Payne’s dick. I’m not kidding. In fact, I’m rather stunned Varys cares, although I am pleased that he asked the most pertinent follow-up: how DOES Littlefinger feel about the loss of revenue? Because that sorta blew my mind. (Turns out Baelish is way too distracted about the next phase of his AMASS ALL THE POWER! plan to care.) Right, so Roz is living up to her new role of superspy and informs Varys that it seems Lord Baelish is planning to take Sansa Stark with him when he leaves for the Aerie. Varys isn’t interested in losing Sansa as a pawn, especially if it means that Littlefinger gains more power and gets his lech on. Varys takes himself off to the hilariously coarse and disdainful Olenna Tyrell to plant the idea that Highgarden set its tendrils to entangling Winterfell instead. (The Queen of Thorns can bitch about pretty flower sigils being weak and “growing strong” being a crappy motto all she wants – she knows how roses get ANYWHERE.) Margaery’s only too happy to float the idea to Sansa that they might be sisters if she only marries Loras — since this puts Sansa right back on track with her Happily Ever After Prince Fantasy #1, she’s not going to balk.

In and around all this intrigue, Olenna Tyrell has a politely vicious conversation with Cersei about the foolishness of young men and how darn mortal they are as the two wander around the truly impressive Sept of Baelor. Margaery lets Joffrey show her gruesome relics, and plays him with a deft hand– she manages to stroke his ego, and manipulate the common people into associating Joffrey with her goodness. Clever, clever Highgarden girls. (See? Roses get EVERYWHERE.)

Cersei is astute enough to worry that the Tyrells will be a problem, and tells her father as much. Hand of the King Tywin Lannister doesn’t have much time for any of his children, and passively aggressively writes letters in Cersei’s general direction. Cersei pitches a fit about how awesome a political student she was, and he only disdains her because she’s a woman. Tywin patiently tells her that she’s just not as clever as she thinks, and shouldn’t have let her son go about executing folk. Papa Lion: 2, Cubs: 0.

THE RIVERLANDS
The Brotherhood without Banners is busy dragging Arya, Gendry, and the Hound deep into their forest fastness, while Thoros of Myr entertains himself by trying to feed nasty rotgut liquor to little girls. Arya may be made of sternest stuff, but she’s not down with rum. So then there’s a big reveal when Beric Dondarrion finally shows up in the BWB’s Secret Lair and goes on about the Brotherhood being made up of men of all sides and stations of life who now fight for the common people. (Also revealed: they’re all born again to R’hollor, because that’s not disquieting or anything.) They badger the Hound about his brother’s murder of the Targaryen children (this is pre-series, you didn’t miss anything) and Clegane snaps that he wasn’t responsible for that and no one there can call him murderer with a clear conscience. Cue Arya: she steps up and throws down, proving herself the bravest person in the room when she accuses the Hound of murdering Mycah, her innocent friend and butcher’s boy.

Still on the road, Jaime is being debased by Bolton’s men: they let him fall off his horse, give him horse’s piss to drink, and make him wear his severed hand about his neck. He tries to fight back, only to find himself beaten into the mud. Must be time to curl up and die!  Thank the Seven for Brienne, who has decided to shame him back to life. After all, he lied about Tarth, the Sapphire Isle, to spare her rape and keep her alive. He gave her a chance. She’ll call him a coward and do the same for him, which spurs Jaime into trying to see himself as more than a swordhand. Or at least into living for revenge.

THE NORTH
 Bran’s storyline continues to be all one big dream sequence. He’s still following the Three-Eyed Raven around, except now he’s doing it with Jojen Reed’s hipster-haired badgering. Thanks for making him climb that gnarly tree and have his mother scare him out of it, you jerk! (Seriously, nothing happened here.) 

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Ramsay’s Mindscrew Show! The worst game you’ll ever witness, in which Theon Greyjoy manages to wring some pity from the audience as he brokenly confesses his crimes and acknowledges that his true father lost his head in King’s Landing. Wow. You went there, show. His ever-so-helpful liberator is compassionately listening to him one minute, and leading him right back into the torture chamber the next– and with the maniac’s true leer of twisted enjoyment. Oh, Theon, you are SCREWED. (Probably literally. Again.)

ACROSS THE NARROW SEA
 Daenerys Targaryen is the boss. The end.

…no, really, that’s about it. She rolls up with Drogon on a leash and hands him over to the salivating Astapori slavetrader. He proceeds to be totally distracted by the annoyed baby dragon, and only pauses long enough to assure Daenerys that now the 8,000 Unsullied are hers, all hers. She takes the Whip of Command, and starts shouting commands in High Valyrian like it’s her mother tongue or something. (It is.) It takes a while for the Astapori slaver to catch on that she SPOKE HIS LANGUAGE THE ENTIRE TIME, and then he realizes how badly he just screwed up. Daenerys orders the slaughter of every oppressor in the city, spares the women and children, and goes all “DRACARYS!” on the Astapori slaver’s arse.

Poor Jorah and Old Selmy had no damn clue what was going on, and could only draw their swords in appreciation and WTFery, protecting Missandei amidst the beautifully-executed coup. Drogon set fire to everything, the Unsullied liberated the city, and Daenerys marched out of there like a boss. A boss at the head of an army of FREE Unsullied. (This is a fairly accurate representation.)

Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen: she’ll eat her cake and burn yours too.

THE WALL AND BEYOND
  The Brothers of the Night’s Watch are still at Craster’s Keep, moaning about being half-starved while doing all sorts of pig-crap shoveling free labor for the abusive daughter-rapist. After laying one of their Brothers to rest on his funeral pyre, tensions mount and the pig-crap hits the fan when the worst element of the Night’s Watch refuses to stay in check. Craster gets knifed in the face, Mormont gets stabbed in the back, and then the raping and pillaging begins. Samwell (who has discretion down pat) manages to grab Gilly and her baby and sneak off into the night.

I’m incredibly sad that the Old Bear is dead with a knife in his back so far from home, but… I’m just saying that a blind man could have seen this mutiny coming. When the majority of your armed force is made up of thieves, rapists, etc. who are being punished FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES by being sent to the frozen Wall– when you then take these men into the wilds, and throw them at ICE ZOMBIES and ask them to treat disgusting cravens like Craster as above them– well, those men are going to stab you in the back and do as they like, aren’t they? They’re not so good at holding the line and staying decent when faced with the end of all things.

Next week: Beric Dondarrion fights for the Lord of Light and JUSTICE! There may be a flaming sword. The Kingslayer is thrown at the feet of Lord Bolton, at last! Hand of the King Tywin says screw your plots! …and Jon Snow kisses a girl?! What has the world come to?

 

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