Posted By Deborah J. Brannon on April 14, 2013

“Dark Wings, Dark Words,” the second episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones‘ third season has come and gone, leaving all of our characters in much darker places than they may yet realize. (Except the Tyrells. They must be night-blooming roses, because they’re thorning up quite nicely right where they mean to.) Throw yourself into the post-ep breakdown below to discover badass duels, Westerosi hipsters, and one very special Cheese Boy.

LANNISTERS
Joffrey is busy blooming as a sociopathic misogynist, which is an impressive bit of wankery given what a proud lion his mother is. You’d think Cersei would have ensured that all her children respected the power of an impressive woman, but she clearly spared the rod and Joff missed that memo. Jackanape. I mean, I can get Joffrey treating all women outside the family as if they’re nothing – apparently, it is the Lannister ethos that those not part of the family or marrying into it are worth nothing but scorn. The unedited Lannister house motto is clearly “HEAR ME ROAR [that you suck],”  and the party don’t start until a Lannister walks in. (Uh, Baratheon. Clearly, I meant Baratheon. Does he even buy that still? Seriously.)

Sansa, poor little wolf in the lion’s den, is busy being hovered at by Shae who doesn’t want her consorting with the likes of Petyr Baelish, AKA one pervy Littlefinger who obviously just wants her trussed up in his boudoir. (These things still shock Sansa’s sensibilities; you’d almost wonder how she’s survived King’s Landing this long, but then she does something like almost assassinates her fiancé.) Her day just gets weirder when Loras arrives to escort her to brunch with the Tyrells and fails to remember that he gave her a rose at a tourney once (Sansa! that was the FIFTH EPISODE which is clearly like ten million plot points ago).  He delivers her to be interrogated by the Queen of Thorns (Olenna Tyrell will cut you if you call her granny) and his sister Margaery, master politicians. Sansa gives up the unvarnished truth about Joffrey (total monster! please marry him anyway!), but the best thing we got out of this scene is the Cheese Boy who now has his own fandom.

Margaery has no intention of calling off the wedding just because Joffrey’s a monster – in fact, she just needed to know how best to play him. Which she does, masterfully, in the crossbow scene, making us throw up in our mouths a little bit over how turned on Joffrey is about Margaery killing something while fawning over his power.

Elsewhere in the Red Keep (which is in no way less demented or debauched since the Targaryens were betrayed out of it), Shae asks Tyrion to watch out for Sansa in a scene seemingly designed to do a few things: 1, remind us that Hand of the King Tywin is jonesing to hang some whores; 2, remind us that Sansa is in an attractive young lady in a marriageable state; and, 3, to show how masterfully Shae can play Tyrion.

Meanwhile, on the road again, Jaime is busy trolling the hell out of Brienne, who bears it all with admirable stoicism.  At least until he talks trash about Renly, which sees Brienne seizing Jaime by the throat only for him to fold into heart-wrenching sincerity over the loss of choice in love. Much further down the road, Jaime steals her sword and Brienne of Tarth proceeds to hand the ass of one of the greatest swordsman in the realm to him. Maybe Ser Jaime Lannister had his hands chained, and maybe he underestimated her, but she put him on the ground like a badass. It’s too bad he gets a final “I told you so” when a trader they encountered earlier (and she failed to slaughter for maybe recognizing the Kingslayer) turns them over to armed men flying the banners of Lord Roose Bolton. (The Flayed Man of House Bolton: we don’t do subtle foreshadowing. Basically, you’re screwed.)

 STARKS
All of the Starks spend the episode walking, with the exception of Bran. Bran is carted about the place, having three-eyed crow dreams and meeting a mysterious fellow mystic name of Jojen Reed (and his cute curly-haired sister Meera). They’re from Greywater Watch (you wouldn’t have heard of it) and will be filling the much-needed role of Westerosi hipsters. (Meanwhile, Osha is half-feral and all Wildling, Rickon Stark is heading for full feral, and Hodor is Hodor.)

Arya is being picked on by Gendry for not being a better Death Dealer when presented with a 3 Murders of Your Choice coupon, courtesy of Jaqen H’ghar, Master Assassin. She doesn’t have to put up with it for too long before they’re caught by the Brotherhood Without Banners, featuring Thoros of Myr being jocular and Anguy (the Robin Hood type) being a ridiculous show-off with a trick shot. (To be fair, Hot Pie was the largest target there, so it wasn’t THAT tricky.) Thoros drags them along with his merry band back to what is likely the Inn at the Crossroads, where he has a good time interrogating Arya and putting her in her place before deciding to let them go. At least until more of his fellows drag in the Lannister’s missing Hound who fingers Arya for “the Stark bitch.” (Given their sigil, possibly not as insulting as it sounds.)

Robb marches. Much of the time. (When he’s not making morose kissy-faces with his ill-advised wife.) This week, he’s marching to Riverrun to pick up more characters and army fodder, and also letting his disgraced mother mourn her recently dead father. Karstark doesn’t appreciate this trip, which is confusing since it will actually result in more army. (Perhaps this is why the Karstarks are no longer Starks, being all fools rush in and not thinking things through.) Talisa tries to reach out to Catelyn and is rebuffed, because this is Catelyn and she’s not precisely good at opening up. Cue Catelyn making another prayer-wreath, and telling a self-pitying story about how all her current woes stem from not being able to open up and love a motherless son. (Is anyone going to mention the invisible elephant in the room? His name might be Irony.)

GREYJOY
Theon Greyjoy, ladies and gentlemen! He’s not dead, though he almost wishes he was. It’s really too bad that not even a horrific torture scene can make us like him any better, although it’s early in the season yet. It’s all very convenient for him to have such a fresh-faced young Dungeon Cleaner to offer to set him free after so much senseless torture. That’s not suspicious at all.

THE NIGHT’S WATCH AND BEYOND THE WALL
The brothers of the Night’s Watch are also on the march, desperately trying to reach the Wall and warn the Realm of ice-zombie shenanigans. Samwell Tarly staggers along in their wake, missing his friend and protector Jon Snow and sniveling in self-loathing. The president of the Samwell Tarly is a Fat Loser club was helpfully there as well to urge him into just laying down and dying. Luckily for Sam, the Old Bear pops up to shout that ain’t nobody got time for that and forbids him to die. Nothing for it now, Sam.

Jon Snow, in the meantime, is still trying to find his footing among the Wildling horde. Apparently that means standing about with Mance Rayder and staring at Orell of the crazy eyes. Ygritte helpfully points out that Orell is a warg, and there’s a bit of exposition about such people being able to slip into animals and see what they see. (And they call him… the Beastmaster!) Depressingly for Jon Snow, all Orell see is dead crows. He’s not talking about corvids.

Next week: Daenerys offers to buy an army of Unsullied, which doesn’t sound like her! Brienne headbutts bad guys! Mance Rayder threatens to throw Jon Snow off the Wall! Arya is trapped by her name once again! As the King in The King and I would say, “et cetera! et cetera!”

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Categories: Recap, Reviews, Shows and Shorts
Tags: A Song of Ice and Fire, Cheese Boy, Game of Thrones, George R. R. Martin, HBO